I was a completely "normal" housewife who secretly drank. All the time. Not anymore.

From the outside I was capable of anything. Well dressed, 3 well adjusted kids who were everywhere on time & well presented. My house was spotless (mostly). I exercised. I attended all kid-related activities. I volunteered to help at school.

I drank a bottle of wine every day. Sometimes more on weekends. Sometimes after 5pm, sometimes over the course of a whole day.

Inside I was consumed by guilt and it wasn't pretty. It's just that no one had any idea.

Hitting rock bottom.....AKA my downfall

If I could turn back time for any one moment in my life this would be it. For someone who had only ever been a high achiever, it was the moment that my life came crashing down around my ears and left me ashamed and a feeling a lesser person. I sit here now feeling like a fraud to all those people out there who still think I'm a great person. 

After a year of secretly knowing I had a drinking issue and simply not being able to confront it or fix it (despite night after night lying awake feeling guilty and making promises that the next day would be different) I finally make the fateful decision to drive home after work a week ago. I had consumed 5 glasses of wine over a 4 hour period. I felt fine and I didn't think.

 

The rest of the story is history and the end point was me sitting in a concrete room in a police station awaiting an evidential breath test. It was devastating and I cried the entire time. Silent, humiliated tears. I accepted my fate and told the nice policeman I had ruined my life. He of course said I was being a little extreme and I would come back from this. I failed to see how really. I mean, I'm now a CRIMINAL. OMG. Me!! I was never even in trouble at school.

 

I will lose my license for 6 months and the thought even of that, our busy life, our three kids, my husband with a full time job and a joint business we own. Oh man. It's going to be a long road. What have I done??

 

The remorse and regret is all consuming x

May 29. What happened to me?

Once upon a time I was a normal, capable human who didn't have a drinking problem. In fact I rarely drank! I was an athlete and I was all about racing and being super healthy and all that jazz. 

Then I retired and had 3 kids and life changed. Just gradually really. A wine on Fridays and Saturdays. Then 3 wines. Then a bottle.

Then wine most weeknights as well. Then why not Sundays? why should they miss out?

And wine O clock got earlier until any time was a suitable time if the day was stressful; if the kids were running amok; If I had to attend something out of my comfort zone; if I was worried about money. You name it I drank for it.

Oh Lord it makes me cringe now to think of what I did. How I hid it from everyone. Literally. Like I hid it in the closet. Or my handbag. Or under the sink. Somewhere I could sneak a bit when I needed to. It sounds completely nuts.

If I knew someone was coming to visit I would often skull down a couple of quick glasses just to loosen up (I always thought of myself as quite shy).

I tried to justify it to myself saying that the bottle was lasting me the whole day so I was never really "drunk" at any given point. Ok but the point is I was literally drinking a bottle EVERY SINGLE DAY. Occasionally I would get another one for the evening if we had company and pretend I hadn't had any yet! 

I spent hours feeling so guilty and mad at myself for not being able to stop. For putting my health at risk. I imagined I had cancer all the time and how I would die and my kids would have no mum and it would all be my fault for not being able to give up the wine.

And then "the awful night" happened and I became a criminal and I quit drinking.

It has only been a week so I can hardly claim to be cured. But right now I feel cured. I can't imagine touching wine again. I don't feel like it. I don't crave it. In fact when I walk past it in the supermarket I feel vaguely ill. I am the kind of person who if I do something I only want to do it well and for now, I want to do sober well. Touching a drink any time in the foreseeable future would mean I failed and I don't intend to fail. So here goes......