Once upon a time I was a normal, capable human who didn't have a drinking problem. In fact I rarely drank! I was an athlete and I was all about racing and being super healthy and all that jazz.
Then I retired and had 3 kids and life changed. Just gradually really. A wine on Fridays and Saturdays. Then 3 wines. Then a bottle.
Then wine most weeknights as well. Then why not Sundays? why should they miss out?
And wine O clock got earlier until any time was a suitable time if the day was stressful; if the kids were running amok; If I had to attend something out of my comfort zone; if I was worried about money. You name it I drank for it.
Oh Lord it makes me cringe now to think of what I did. How I hid it from everyone. Literally. Like I hid it in the closet. Or my handbag. Or under the sink. Somewhere I could sneak a bit when I needed to. It sounds completely nuts.
If I knew someone was coming to visit I would often skull down a couple of quick glasses just to loosen up (I always thought of myself as quite shy).
I tried to justify it to myself saying that the bottle was lasting me the whole day so I was never really "drunk" at any given point. Ok but the point is I was literally drinking a bottle EVERY SINGLE DAY. Occasionally I would get another one for the evening if we had company and pretend I hadn't had any yet!
I spent hours feeling so guilty and mad at myself for not being able to stop. For putting my health at risk. I imagined I had cancer all the time and how I would die and my kids would have no mum and it would all be my fault for not being able to give up the wine.
And then "the awful night" happened and I became a criminal and I quit drinking.
It has only been a week so I can hardly claim to be cured. But right now I feel cured. I can't imagine touching wine again. I don't feel like it. I don't crave it. In fact when I walk past it in the supermarket I feel vaguely ill. I am the kind of person who if I do something I only want to do it well and for now, I want to do sober well. Touching a drink any time in the foreseeable future would mean I failed and I don't intend to fail. So here goes......